Becoming a Better Conversationalist

We all know someone who is an amazing conversationalist. Someone who, no matter what, whenever you talk with them its never awkward. They always seem to know how to keep a conversation going, and you don’t feel like the conversation is forced.

Being a good conversationalist is an incredibly useful skill to have. Connections with powerful and influential people can be made just through the ability to have an engaging conversation with them.

 So what is their secret? How are they able to do it? Today I want to share a couple of tips that I’ve learned to help you reach the next level in your conversational ability.

Understand the Psychology

Have you ever thought about what your main motivation in life is? Many people may list some goal or achievement, but why is it that you want those things? The answer is that we all seek a feeling of importance.

Even when we do selfless things like donating, we still get a feeling of importance from doing it, and it’s that good feeling that comes from feeling importance that drives us to do that selfless thing. There’s nothing wrong with it, but its important to understand.

Whether or not a feeling of importance is your main motivator in life, it is a big one, and the same will be true for anyone that you speak with. Use this knowledge to your advantage by giving the other person a feeling of importance.

This can be done by intently focusing and listening to what they are saying, commenting on what they are saying in a positive way, or commenting on how impactful that person is in your life. When you make them feel a sense of importance they will love you for it and they will see you as a good conversationalist.

Focus on them

Humans are wired to be selfish. It’s oftentimes advantageous for us to look out for ourselves first, but one downside of this is that if we aren’t careful, then we will tend to talk about, and focus, on ourselves in conversations. Don’t.

When you talk with someone focus on them and their desires. People love talking about themselves, so try to keep them talking. The more you do this, the more they will enjoy talking with you, and the more influence you will carry with them.

Try to use the 80/20 rule in your conversations with people that you want to get to know, people that you are trying to make a good impression on, or people that you are trying to influence. Aim to speak 20 percent of the time, and listen 80 percent of the time. Spending so much of the conversation with them talking and you listening will give them a sense of importance.

Be genuinely interested

When you are genuinely interested in someone and what they have to say it will be easy to ask questions, or make comments about what they are saying that continues the conversation and takes it deeper.

Go into conversations with the desire to learn and grow. Ask a question and then listen intently. If you genuinely want to learn from that person, and you are listening to what they have to say intently, you will automatically come up with questions.

Don’t try to think of questions and then remember them while they’re talking. This will cause you to miss parts of what they’re saying and the conversation will feel disjointed. If you are really invested in the conversation then questions and comments will automatically come to you as soon as they finish speaking.

Think about when you have conversations with you friends and family, you aren’t constantly trying to come up with questions, its natural, its easy, the things you need to say flow out of you when its time for you to speak. All conversations can be like this if you let them.

But don’t turn it into an interview. Sometimes when we are really interested in someone or something, we can go into interview mode and ask a ton of questions. If this goes on for too long it begins to feel weird and forced for the person you are talking to.

One way to avoid this feeling is by having filler statements in between your questions. So, whenever it’s your turn to speak and you have a question, instead of immediately asking you question, add in a statement that is relevant to what they are saying and serves as a transition into you question.

Again, if you are actively listening in the conversation the words will come to you in the moment. Just make sure you don’t go into full interview mode and you break up your questions with comments that are relevant to what the person was saying.

Also don’t be afraid of silence. Pauses happen, everything is going to be okay. If you don’t want to go any deeper into whatever it was that you were talking about then you can use the pause as a way to transition the conversation to something else.

Hopefully these tips are able to help you as much as they have helped me. Remember to give others a sense of importance, actively listen, and be genuinely interested. Good luck.